^^IcyWorld ^^

~~Monday, November 30, 2009~~

10:01 PM

A day of bad luck, woke up today after 3 nitemare wat the heck not 1 but 3 somemore. Deep down in my gut already noe sth is not rite and i was rite everything today jus suk to the core. Woke up late studied abit and went for tut cos got quiz flunk the paper cos really hard. Didnt noe there is a second test never studied at all damn easy but dunno how to do damn fustrated. Totally no mood after that wat happen is i went to my fav spot to my horror the sch removed it really feel like cursing and swearing. So went Mensa hell i twisted me ankle while goin up down the stairs. Then after reached Mensa the show i wan to eat didnt open end up buying sth else. NO bball for the next few days so gonna be bored well who cares still im alone jus abit of unplan time dunno where to spend thats all.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Sunday, November 29, 2009~~

9:05 PM

This post is goin to talk bout my day or rather my week but majority my day today haha^^ Finally I went to church service after so long have been more than a month since i went for service beside serving sound on most sat.

Came to realise how weak i become when i have started to depend on people more or less think i take them for granted and overly depend on them. Ppl r not goin to care bout wat i have become cos they have their own things to mind too. Even ppl say it not a burden but end up i noe it is.

Have been sleeping early and playing basketball for the whole week, even i sleep early in still shag by the intensive bball training i commit myself in ever since i got force to go on leave on my CCA. Climbing out of bed seems difficult each day but i manage to do so. This really brings bac memory of sec sch days where i have to wake myself everyday and go to sch and never late a single time.

This few days after being scolded i keep having flashback of old days. Memories that i dun wan to remember surfaced. Some old days wif some sec sch friends and stuff only to conclude im alone once again. Feel so rejected on Thursday no1 response to my call nicely its like i owe them alot like this. Had to be independently strong once again. Im jus different from the crowds maybe i haven find the ture place for me yet. Having alot of plastered smiles jus not to let ppl arnd me worry. Think it becos im a kid thats y i dun fit in to the grown up world ba.

Nth felt as peaceful as worshipping the Lord, the feeling of calmness is jus incomparable. Today i used alot of brain now mentally shag. After service tot of goin hm but they got an event i couldnt resist myself my blood is itching the moment i heard it. Zone had a Mystery Murder event somehow detective related. Well didnt get the chance to interview all the suspect so dun think my deduction is very correct but more or less there i believe.

All I ever wanted is a BELONGING, is it really that hard?

A cup of milk a day..

~~Tuesday, November 24, 2009~~

10:11 PM

Wat a dreadful day. Finally noe wat is call to be weak le. Unable to draw strenght its dreadful yet still being called weak early in the morning certainly that dun feel gd. If jus simply feels like i 3 days didnt rest totally drained cant even move my body lor. Well the anwsering button on my phone is the same button as the silenting of alarm on my phone often i will think my phone ring as an alarm so i jus press and leave it there jus nice after press the ringing is gone exactly the same as the alarm lah haiz. Seriously ar too i dun wan to be this weak dun even noe y im holding bac my strenght lor dunno wat im even scare for. There is only 1 remedy to my strenght which it succeed everytime, I feel my power surging and im all energetic cos i felt challenged.

Jus seen afew pic and it jus draw the distance and all i can think of is that it seem so far almost unreachable distant. Really i cant reach this dream alone. Now i admit really nth can compare to the happiness this dream can bring me, only thing that keep me surviving, enduring and challenging

She is the strenght and the encouragement to me

A cup of milk a day..

~~Monday, November 23, 2009~~

10:22 PM

Starting a new lifestyle now. Aim to sleep at 10 everyday but failed most of the time still sleeped be4 12. Think my body starting to readjust as I didnt hae any good sleep at all keep waking inbetween the nites, end up doin sth bad this morning haiz should have said those word wat has got into me. All along i have been affecting ppl and troubling people. There is no end to the workload. Only 1 thing is keeping my fighting spirit up high now and its indespensable unless 1 condition is being met. Have to be stronger must be i mean. Today Xiao Wei ask if i wan to join his team in practicing bball my first reaction is excited but then thinking the workload i had i sianz diao but still i told him to update me on the training dates if i can i will go down.

The rain recently is amazingly great i love rainy day the best they r the best melody to my ear if there were thunder it will be better. I find myself a very crap person. People arnd me actually dun trust me as much as i tot. I find that i tell them sth they all dun believe until they experience it themselves despite my warning. Had i gone back on any of my word that i had promised:(

My temper is bac all of a sudden yesterday almost beat a uncle up at the bball court cos he super arrogrant but skill not there i dun mind ppl playing rough but to him is like he jus keep hitting my face like wat the hell. Got to control my fury be4 i go out of control, think i have 'ren' enuf le i oso got my own output to vent out im no container.

After the other day my bro brought some sweet and i keep eating now i got addicted to sweet once again and is spamming those kind. Loves sweets wif coating.

Today truly is the worst never drink any coffee then nvm my day ended in a screw up late to meet friend blur at the jap restraunt cos went to eat sushi after that almost knock pole give off wrong location to meet ppl see me think i crazy cos they give me the weird look then at the end of the day i notice i left 5 buck for the whole of this week wat the hell everyday need to go sch at 9 and end earliest 4 dunno how am i goin to survive gonna be a fasting week for me must endure. Im feeling truly the worst now not becos of money or food but my character jus simply affect ppl arnd me haiz how i wish i can go into hiberntion and cut myself from the world.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Thursday, November 19, 2009~~

12:50 AM

There is many things ppl dunno and i dun feel like saying it either. Since my pencil broke and i cant study le shall use this time to blog. There is more happen today to wat I had said on bus jus now. Linking me wif the person I hate is wat they have been doin up till now, yet im kept in the dark about it until today so much for being friends. I shall not mention who if wan to noe ask me personally.

Losing value i suppose ppl jus regard me more and more redundant le. Thinking its me who cause my own unhappiness cos it has always been happening to me only me. Everybody simply hates me. Underestimating me, doubting & giving me the y r u here for look. Forget it I get all ur message alrite if wan me to go so badly jus say so i will kindly leave. Jus like its said it take 1 to unite the grp but now i think is it take me as 1 to cause disharmony in a grp. No place of acceptance for me.

If shattered dreams brought forth loneliness then shattered passion shall brought forth wrath. Restricted, Binded, Chained, Bound, Barred and Locked. My strenght proportional to my wrath. Better dun regret for blowing me of my limit cos its so gonna bounce rite bac at u all 100x stronger i swear wif my life as stake.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Tuesday, November 17, 2009~~

1:58 AM

Great jus great now wat sia im being barred from do show wat the hell this is getting over board. No authority got the ability to limit on wat i wan to do ok im not some1 that will be bound by others. I shall show my true strenght now no longer hiding but face it. Im not that weak. First thing first have to clear the 3 quiz upcoming this week and next is war.

Y nowadys every1 ask whether im a perfectionist, do I look like 1 to u all cos im simply jus doin wat i am expected to do and its sth i call passion in the area of cca otherwise r jus meeting criteria and expectation. Well sth that im expected to do isnt sth to be happy about thats wat i always think. Jus like a half filled glass i will rather think how to fill it than rejoice on the incomplete amount that is filled. Is jus average ppl find joy jus by meeting the passing mark. I jus simply dun like to see things undone or half done be it within my field or outside my capability, and thats how I improve.

My condition is getting worse have to watch it closely be4 it gets out of control well wat dun kills me will make me stronger i always believe in that.

Jus looked at tthe right side bar of my blog side jus saw the My perspective section and it really encouraged me alot. "Though we cant choose how we r born but certainly we can choose how we live and die. For this is life, its all about the choice we made." Well this the way i choose to live my life to the fullest and no 1 can alter it.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Saturday, November 14, 2009~~

1:23 AM

Rough week or rather for the pass 2 weeks, sch has reopen 4 weeks and for the pass 3 weeks 1 had tremendous amount of work load pressing against me. Didnt sleep for some nites within this 3 week. Got dignose to have migraine at fiist and then fail the blood donation test becos jus 3 week again I had fever. 2 major indoor show bac to bac really tire me out. Yet I jus wan things to be done nicely. GCD 1 week of rehersal + a Jap Fiesta has enuf problem and miscommunication to burn me out le. Then 4 days of break which I use to do up my project and catch up on sch work tried rest if possible but still not enuf be4 1 noe it Dreams 2 rehersal strikes wif a storm end up running all arnd the place. Well I noe im in no position to complain as the other 2 cordinators did alot more than me thats wat I think. I jus made sure my part is nicely done.

Be4 I thought schedule has loosen for next week but it isnt Art Fest is here I oso dunno y when im not involve but im doin so many things. Checked the system and stuff like that today preparing for art fest planned nicely for the thurs show as it my new sub comm IC show, oso TP rawks fall on that week.

This week some1 told me that my character is intemidating to ppl, am I really that prideful or that arrogant that ppl hate me :( Guess im destine to lead a lonely life. Sometimes i really wish that I can go bac and be a kid when I can even feel happy by eating a cup of jelly. Maybe that jus how much I long for happiness that dun even seem to come. I had lost track of myself. My heart is colder than anything on earth now. It jus so difficult to feel happy now :( I havegiven up.

Today I finally cant hold bac my weakness and finally breakdown infront of everybody after that show. Have i reach my maximum limit? I dunno but wat I noe is even my condition that time can turn into a chit chatting topic for the ppl arnd me WOW *sacarsm*. There is more work to come next is art fest followed by open hse and alot more + next sat still have an outdoor event that I got notice more than 1 month ago. Works piling up like nobody's business next week 2 test haven study, need hand in 2 report next week, need to do 1 project next week, meet fayanne next week everything next weekargh im goin crazy can some1 spare my life. Yet I had ppl complaining bout things not done whereby me here didnt even say anything jus making me more fan cos it remind me of how much my work is stacked up :( Im fainting soon guess no1 noes how I feel now. Its a sheer cold and lonely feeling rite now.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Monday, November 9, 2009~~

1:07 AM

I jus realised how long I never go out le. Have being stuck wif sch, cca, project and all. Today jus went out wif HL and his frien from here I can conclude how far behind have I lag, I haven update and upgrade myself for quite some time. I cant imagine I actually disgrace myself infront of HL's frien cos apparently his friend is better than me in some way, WORST that friend of his is a girl. OMG I actually lose to some1 and she is a girl thats totally unacceptable. Play several hrs of Pool still cant believe I lose to her in technique :( overall in strenght of cos I won but still I cant aceept it cos its not a total victory. First time felt my pride is so threatened. Yesterday went bball have a fantastic match. Life slowly regain bac its order of the past. I have chose to put down and let go le. An Equation without ME is not a perfect equation.

A cup of milk a day..

~~Wednesday, November 4, 2009~~

10:08 PM

Sth is wrong wif me, not exactly wrong but more like different but i dun think stress is the cause. Today only have lab and its a super unhappy, 1 grp spend an hr getting some retared reading thx to somebody keep disturbing/ disrupting the experiment. I really cursed and swear that time is like wan to free load nvm but to the extend of disturbing the experiment that so pissed me off. Y ppl like to make a fool out of themselves I wonder. Somemore the best part is I tio gan by some1 in the next grp complaining y our grp so slow whereby only im the only 1 doin the experiment ofter those bastard left the whole experiment there and talk on their own.

I like strong ppl, that doesnt mean I dun like/ accept the weaker ppl but at least let them have the thoughts of wanting to grow stronger, I really hate those ppl who dun wan to improve yet like to make a fool of themselves thinking they damn gd. Apparently there r super lot of this kind of ppl arnd me. Sometimes I really feel like talk bac straight in their face that I dislike it but still choose to let it pass.

Jus now was walking in the rain it is refreshing indeed that reminds me of the time when i was in sec sch cycle hm when its raining big trying to protect my bag instead of myself. Today I felt bless that this new bag i brought got a rain guard i dunnid to worry for my bag when i was walking^^ but is jus reminds me of my expedition times and my strenght and ability is not as limited as i am now it jus that i have turn lazy. Shall return to the outdoor and embrace.

A cup of milk a day..

3:52 AM

Time check 0355 yeah and now im blogging finally for the past 1+ hr i have been updating my lappy seem like all update jus flood in out of no where but at least it up to date now.

Have neglected my sch work totally, life have been revolving arnd PC and technical stuff dun understand y but think i can consider a perfectionist ba. Feel uber sad this afternoon tonnes of miscommunication and hic-ups not a gd way to begin the day. First is the art space key went missing and its the first day my new sub comm IC a show. Next is the stage thingy, I had to leave my lesson halfway jus becos of a call from the organizer. Feel bad for the teacher and myself too I shouldnt do that. After the call, I went bac to class and from wat I noe is some crew who is suppose to be there set up is not there. Stressed really got the urge to dash out of class at that moment, but its grp forming time. I felt bless im a treasure in the class as apparently there is 3 POA student in class jus nice got 3 grp so we have to be distributed that make me super easy to find a grp. After I calm down le im certain the situation at plaza is safe le i notice the grp im in got a pretty girl which i didnt notice when grp forming. Thats y i keep saying my grp got pretty girl cos apparently thats sth gd happen after such a stressful time so plz dun get me wrong here.

Went to second CDS after the plaza show, then audi. Did final touches of my lights where i have been doin for like few days, saw Ivy outside Audi, apologised for the miscommunication happen in the afternoon. Aside from PC tagline "The show must go on..." I got my principle of " Good quality service" felt damn bad that afternoon is a screw up. Then dinner, I ate halfway Ivy came again ask me to sound check for "Sweet Poison" an indian band that is performing whereby they r suppose to be scrape off the programme list as they r providing too muct problem for the past few rehersal, its the second time i work wif them. At that moment, its still not cfm that they r coming bac yet really blessed to have Anthony's help on the audio side during the sound check. Shout alot but I tried to cater to all their needs, sound check were great but somehow the programme flow need to be altered again that got our SM pissed off. Checked wif Ivy again to see if they were still performing and naturally dunno y I starting to persude her to let the band come bac and play. No cfm answer is given as she's not the 1 making the desicion, but she is surprised by the speed of set up today, partially I believe is becos the band decided to coopeate ba.

I was at stage when Ivy was discussing wif Danny whether to let the band be bac and I was called, that moment I really stunned. Went up explain the whole situation to him, and he is still hesitating asking me to gauge the the success rate given the crew's ability I give a bold 90% but apparently it not enuf to revive the band, he wan a 99% confirmation, putting my faith and using the situation to my advantage I continue to persuade him and by using curtain close I gave him a 99% assurance. So after the desicion is being made I told the crew the band is revived. Everything is planned nicely, show went nicely, it was great including the band. Im happy to make that promise to Danny, im able to keep my word wif all the crew help^^ Took a huge risk if it fails I will screw up the day twice and that can kill me for at least a week, lucky it didnt.

Well I dun work well wif praise, concern, encourgement and compliments. During debrief I was complimented by Ivy. Actually I dun deserve that compliment cos I screw up during the day.

That brings me bac to square 1 as in my tots, dun think many will understand. Instead of being the support sometimes I do need support too. Im not a multi-tool though I can do alot of things.
How I really wish the some1 im thinking about can appear but its far too impossible cos such ppl dun exactly exist in my life. Maybe thats y I look up to stronger ppl ba bac then when im in my sec sch days, they seem reliable and maybe thats y I feel very secure arnd them cos anything I screw up they can cover for me which make me dare to try new things. Conclusion I like strong ppl in the area of abilities not jus strenght. Thinking bac actually I noe y I like Someone

A cup of milk a day..