Sunday, February 27, 2011
1:33 AM
As the days goes im running short of time to study. Crap has happen through the week. I foresee my lappy is dying on me already and thats not a gd sign. At least i get to complete my work. Late nites for no gd reasons resulting in bad headaches yesterday. There are signs telling me that headache about to strike after DREAMS meeting. I couldn't care less until dining wif the Bible study grp it came. Blurred vision, glaring light is how it started follow by heavy head and hard to focus. Pop pills be4 bible study in hope by first hour i will be better but end up it only work after bible study which is 2 hrs later. I really hate this dreaded illness i have its like can it go away.
Recently it had gone worst as its easily triggered by bright lights. All i can say that is im bless that its not trigger by sound if not i would have died. Sound is the most impt thing in my life now aside from God, really cant live without it.
Weird dream i had last nite. Unbelievable events in the dream and a stranger in it. The stranger is i can see so clearly but to my memory i have not meet this person be4 in my entire life so far. This stranger is so totally my type of girl btw like she is custom made somehow. Anw a dream is jus a dream shouldn't really ponder on it much. Focus on wats ahead now esp when i screwed up my next week's schedule yet again like i did for my cny week not long ago.
I have 3 events on 4th March now i dunno how should i manage those. Firstly i had work, secondly i have boys brigade camp and thirdly i have bball camp. Screwed i am very. Exam is jus 1 day away. All i look forward now is my long awaited trip that i have plan like more than half a year ago. Finally 1 true break in 3 years.
Oh Lord give me more opportunity to serve you Lord. I really wan to be bac to ur ministry Lord. I wan to do more for you.
A cup of milk a day..
Sunday, February 20, 2011
12:11 AM
After this few days I can conclude designing is so not my area of expertise. Till now i cant come out wif a work that can satisfy my expectation. I end up deleting more than i do. Really hope God will help me through this. Time is running short.
I feel like an idiot. Y I can like at least talk to all the other ppl except for her. I think i must really be a retard sia. And y do I avoid her every time i saw her. It like im always easy to know ppl but y i jus cant be easy wif her.
Today went bac sec sch to train tgt wif my ex cca the boys brigade. Adventure Quest is coming up they r all training hard haha^^ Actually im surprise by the ppl there as i was told by few friends who went bac be4 they said the boys r very guai lan but when i went bac i find them lovable and not really that guai lan like wat my friends said to be. Maybe becos im much more worse than them bah i dunno. Still i had a fun time wif them make me feel like going bac every week to join them sia.
Nth beats a gd training in the morning, its really long since i does it. The feeling is jus so different from all other trainings im in now and i really enjoy it. Tiring cfm but the moment training end u know u have pulled through its like shiok.
This house of God im in i dun think im going to change anymore. I found peace in here and things i love is in here. Its like really coming bac to my first love. The place where all history starts and memory built upon. Its the foundation that cannot be move. Now joining bible study too le. Honestly reading God's word never had been this joyous till wat i have experience now.
I really feel like a happy kid now. Its like i really wan to act like a kid but cant. Reason for wanting to act like a kid is the amount of joy i felt in my nowadays somehow it cant be contain and welling out turning me into a happy kid. Need to suppress if now ppl will think im crazy haha.
A cup of milk a day..
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
10:54 PM
Stressed!!! I cant bring myself to focus under this stress>< The designs suddenly feel very shitty. Nth seems appealing to me. The more i do the more i delete. I oso dunno what i am doin already. Worst is no matter how much game i play i cant relax, end up tiring myself without relaxing the slightest bit. Neither do music help now too. My mood have been declining since 3pm believe it wont take long for me to reach the bottom.
Songs that im playing now is from my old collections. At this moment there is only sad feelings no matter how hype the song is. All i can think of is the times where i jus do nth and dream about her. Till date it did not fade the slightest bit. None of my logic can apply here.
None of my logic apply in any of the situation im in now not on design and not on her. When I fail to think, headache comes. Toning down my laptop screen and switching off my rm light doesnt help now. In a state of helplessness but not emo. Jus feeling confused and bugged by things thats all. All i wan is sth that can give me peace now.
A cup of milk a day..
Monday, February 14, 2011
12:11 AM
Today is quite a long day for me.
Morning church was great Pastor preached about Isaiah Chapter 1^^ very meaningful. It is preached in a way of words of caution. Well really it does impact on people. With words that ppl dun wan to hear or unwilling to get out of their comfort zone this is the rite sermon alrite. Example listed and many were spot on to me but i guess to alot of others oso the same. Well it sets me ponder when these example r so spot on does that mean that u r really that bad or u r jus becoming more worldly. Its like it applies to almost every1. 1 thing i totally agree wif pastor is that nowadays u cant really identify a Christian jus by looking at the person, for some has become too worldly and dunno wat others become. What cause me to have these thoughts is becos often I try to know somebody I wont know until they say they r christian or rather sometimes im able to spot ppl but is becos of the church they go to. Alot of thoughts have pops into my mind today. I believe the only person who can answer all my question is God himself.
After service sth happen and its kinda cause me to hid myself emotionally for that moment. But im not going to say here.
Bball training today was great haha^^ Had few matches and its like we r finally beginning to be better in teamwork le. For me i got bac the courage to charge in and score it has been my specialty. I haven done it for sometime le, since training started 1 month ago iwas told sth that demoralise me to do my specialty. I trained on shooting hoping to be a shooting guard so that i will be of some use to the team but they insist that i be power forward. Its kinda like now im better cos in this few weeks my shooting improve alot now i can play both position^^ Toward the end of the day where every1 disperse I got my injury of the day and it is jus be4 my toe some1 jumped and stepped on my leg, for now its bleeding and painful. Lucky it missed my little toe by 2 inch if not it would have been broken it now.
Tml V.Day no1 to date or date me so guess im jus going to spend it alone. At least the joyous thing is im able to challenge my personal setup record haha i aim to set up a full system plus sound check in 12mins tml^^
A cup of milk a day..
Sunday, February 6, 2011
10:46 PM
Whats wrong wif me again. Is it due to these fatigue?
Suddenly all affected by old thinkings. Overwhelm by imagination. Same old stuff, 1 person and alot of other bad memories that cannot be erase. All the wrong thing done and said.
1 thing for sure I failed to let go of her again. I didnt get to see her today, and it feels like sth big is already missing in my day. I didnt even go bball today cos im damn tired. The best day of the week i look forward to is ruined pretty much. Only exception today is still the joy to be in God's hse and brought a birthday present for a brother of mine.
In a convo wif a brother of mine, I asked is it really so hard to find some1 better than her that I cant let go that badly. The reply was maybe becos i cling too hard to this that i fail to see some1 better. I really dunno wat i can do now already.
Due to the fatigue i think my body is failing me again. Kinda not a gd sign as now im independent wif no1 to depend on i really need to take the extra care for myself in order to not affect basic life essentials.
Looks like things really happen for a reason. Im really not ok now. If i noe myself alittle better i can be alittle stronger.
