Monday, August 29, 2011
10:26 PM
How in the world i wish i wont need to come here at all. Sigh this place truly is my dumping ground there is no way i can live without it now. I believe it has 3 year in its history alr.
Life hasnt been nice to me lately. Things aint going quite well. Im in the army now. Its not that im unable to take the training and what not. Is i cant take the ppl. It feels really sucky that ppl use words of insult as jokes. I really hate that feeling. This feeling can be trace all the way bac to 5 years ago. When i really start to hate ppl. Never think that i will have to take this path again. Though im strong that time jus by living alone independently but i dun wish to go through it again. Im really tired of that life. Simply no1 understand wat i have go through. No1 knows how i feels. Thats y ppl only give me the superficial answer without understanding the hurt that lies deep inside.
Stress level is shooting beyond the limits of comprehension now. Honestly i dunnid ppl tell me wat to do. Sometimes solution jus make things worse. Maybe what i do need is jus alittle more understanding and heartfelt encouragement thats all. All i need is some emotional support and i know i can go alot further wif that. There r standards i need to meet now in camp and im stressed big time over it. If i dun meet any of those i wont be able to go into the vocation i wan. Physical test is alot harder than acadamic its not sth that u can study and do well. Need to train alot harder for it. Wed is live firing alr, i must get marksman best is to get top gun.
Today we got forced to eat our dinner straight after intense physical training. Typical me is i cfm cannot eat after exercise i will puke for sure. But bo bian have to at least take the food so ate only a few mouthful and pour the rest away. Hoping to get after book out but failed. Anw no appetite oso lah so jus skip this meal and wait for breakfast or sth. Life really suk at times when headache comes at the very wrong timing. It hurts alot now and at times when im stress and pretty down i really dun mind banging wall hard a couple of times. Though i had headaches in camp but this is the first time in months that i had a level 9 headache. Curse and swear ttm. i can really grab my head and roll on the floor nonstop now. To top it all im having cough as well and every cough i make its like poking nails into my head. Truly terrible. Hope i will be well tml.
A cup of milk a day..
Saturday, August 20, 2011
3:18 AM
Sadded. In jus a few hours my emotions took a few rounds of roller coaster ride. Well all i can say is that i cant help it but feel sad no matter wat. Its not like sth can be done about it. Jus that slowly i have to get use to pain thats all. For all that i experiencing now is jus pure pain soon i hope will be numb haha^^
I can be deem as weak or watsoever i will jus take it into heart then. But i know clearly what i wan and what i will follow. I only lack that 1 thing to really lead my life of ideal perfection of having everything in place. But sadly becos i think of this perfection that y i get choke from that 1 missing piece. All i can say is i dun wan to give up on my ideal perfection. But dun wan to argue dun wan to create unnecessary friction. as long as you happy can le. I jus shut up and take it all inside then.
Today first book out. Actually was suppose to be happy but seemly not so now. I do not wish to mention what went wrong or wat did not happen. Tug it all down and i jus have to swollow it down by myself wif no 1 to share to.
Im really glad that i have a gd friend who stood by me when im down haha^^ all thank to this friend im slightly better now. Even at a very late timing still never fails to bomb me wif all the funny logics haha^^ In this friend's context Sleep trimph over everything haha^^ even though my friend dunno what happen or what im thinking cos i mention dun feel like saying but still is able to stand by me. I shall go practice the sleep trimphs over everything logic maybe it works and will take my ideal perfection away haha^^ tired tired sleep sleep dun care dun care.
A cup of milk a day..
Thursday, August 4, 2011
3:19 AM
I'm going berserk. I need my main stream goal to come bac. I keep drifting in and out of the 'true' me. The 1 wif the strong aura. I know y sort of ppl notices me today. Cos when I leave hm I had a uber strong aura that disturbs other ppl. But it die off as soon as I met the some1 I'm suppose to meet. Dun wan to affect that person wif the best of me. Turning my aura bac to sth like a gentle flame. It burns but soft.
I need to know how long can I hold my best of best self. In the past I can hold it 24/7 now I dunno. As soon as I lost my motivation the hard flames r gone. So I need my focus bac. I really missed the time when I can feel my surrounding well. That feeling is awesome I dun have to worry bout a single thing. I think I really will need it in ns.
Sth is bugging me. I'm having security problems now. A lot of factors involve. But I think I know what is the killer factor. Its really a killer it can determine if I will love or hate some1. Now I have to keep it in control, eradicate it if necessary. But eradicating will have the same result as manifestaion. I won't allow it to manifest and if possible I won't need to eradicate it if not it will jus bring hurts to some1.
