Blogging wif my blackberry while waiting for interview. Today is a really bad day there is a lot of set back. What does this mean? Failed driving due to nervousness. Fail to ask some1 whom is impt to go for tml's chalet. How much more can I fail in 1 day.
I realised that certain things cannot be change not even with hard work. Its like some wish that only can remain as wish but unable to be fulfill. If things r weird now how is it going to be in the future is we ever get tgt again. I really can't imagine cos its already aching inside badly. Going the extra mile doesn't cut it looks like certain things cannot be recover. No matter how many step I took there is still this barrier. Dun know if you realise but I did. I know its my fault that u put up this barrier but it really hurt now. I know I had make afew mistake but never think that things will turn out this way. Heard the last sentence from a song. Usually no I'm able to pull through the hurt of this barrier but I failed today as I was too sad by things there isn't positive left in me to negate the hurt today. Guess I will be fine by tml. I told myself I won't give up not until every inch of my flesh is ripped to shreds.
A cup of milk a day..
12:32 AM
End up blogging since i cant sleep bac. Had a gd week last week,time jus fly so fast that i lost track of days. Full of events everyday bac to bac is fun but tiring im almost totally drain by the end of the week.
I shall summaries my exciting week.
Monday woke up at 6am, yes its 6am to go market wif Liwei and stock up ingredients to cook. Honestly i dunno how to bake therefore I learn from a master well somehow her teaching work out and I got some cookies out of her teaching haha^^
Then proceed to meeting the person whom i cooked for. Enjoyed the time at east coast got tan lining at the end of the day. Oh and i learnt of wat despicable ppl do behind my bac.
Proceed to CO chalet^^ OMG we damn auto lah haha the moment we reach we hog the mahjong table tgt wif Fayanne the adviser and started playing. Till now i still only know the Graduating batch in CO haha^^
Tuesday even more awesome morning met up to go Jaben, Headphone store. No intention to buy headphones until i saw the collection there. Its one of my friend buying btw. Anw I tested out afew and I find 2 models amazing. Im planning to get 1 which cost 200 bucks but not soon. There r much expenditure debt i need to clear soon dun like the feeling of being in debt.
After my friend brought his headphone, I went bac tamp to shop wif Fayanne tgt wif Leo, Pauline and Jean^^ We shopping BBQ food for then camp next day. Alot of joke happen ppl keep shooting each other damn cute esp Fayanne and Pauline xP
After shopping we went bac sch to marinate the stuff oso funny ttm. The chicken wing we marinate total of 4 tray and all 4 different in quality haha^^ Afew other thing we do r funny oso we do until we high. Jokes like marinating jackets come out and we laugh non stop.
Wednesday ALC day 1 epic moment since early morning Fayanne's tagline of the day is 'u all r very irritating eh' Cos I was on time and when i reach SAA igot grab by Cynthia and Jean to do camp stuff le then Fayanne dunno she keep thinking I late. And the other 2 is late. Even more epic is that CO due to chalet the whole committee late etc etc. We as helper r quite slack and freedom of movement haha^^ We enjoy keeping each other company and forming the 3 musketeers^^ Im the youngest there therefore i keep calling Pauline jie jie haha^^ First time in my life i fail to psycho some1 not to do sth and end up supporting the person another epic fail moment in my life.
Evening we set up the pits and system, we had a fun time there every1 was hyped up. Im the DJ that nite^^ Doing this camp's Soundman really make me live bac the moments of wat I learn sound in the first place. Bring moods of joy to ppl. Enjoyed the day. Slept at 4+ in the morning that day and woke up at 8 next day.
Thursday we all concuss in the lecture hall during module time. after like we sleep enuf le the we start out work. By that time we only left 2 hours to work and we need to create a photo montage. We only manage to finish 10 mins be4 the camp ends. But it turns out great.
At nite msn chat wif jie jie damn fun it was nice talking to her^^
Friday eventful again morning skates at east coast and yes its east coast and for that i got my lining even tanner now. After skates went hm bathe then as promised went to find hong wei at his work place but be4 that went Nex its the first time i went there sia I like some suaku not to mention trying to find Pauline's work place.
Its Pauline's bdae so I went down pop by had sth at her workplace wish her happy bdae^^ She made my cappuccino damn nice sia can fight wif coffee bean standard haha^^
At nite chat msn wif jie jie again haha^^ Find that she is really cool and damn cute at times haha really enjoy talking to her. Like no chatting on problems but chat about life its freaking awesome of how much we think alike haha^^
Saturday SENTOSA!!! Got myself real tanned. Unhappy over some shit that happen. Pretty much of the day burn then at nite talk again haha^^ Well got to know alot more bout her and stuff. Really I enjoy talking to her every time. The way she thinks and her perspective is like woah. She say things base on her honest thought regardless of feeling de sometimes might poke abit but still it helped haha^^
Sunday CHURCH!!! I lost track of my days that i almost forgot got church today. Well today quite impt not becos of the msg but becos i have an interview wif the Sound IC. Im joining Sound ministry. I find the church system is really under use and im so gonna change it after i join. After adult fellowship i went hm on the way hm i received a call and end up I i went bac to church to play captains ball. pretty much thats my day.
And after typing so much i still cant sleep>< jialat sia.
A cup of milk a day..
Thursday, April 7, 2011
9:30 PM
Falling Down- Avril Lavigne
If fears what makes us decide,
Our future journey,
I'm not along for the ride,
Cuz I'm still learning,
To try and touch the sun,
My fingers burning.
Not the only one- Avril Lavigne
You're not the only one
Out there for me,
And I know,
You're not the only one
Who's gonna be
For me
There's other fishes in the sea
Tommorow You Didn't- Avril Lavigne
hey, I know what love wasn't, I know what love isn't
so when you say you're gonna change you gotta be kidding
tomorrow you didn't,
hey hey, I'm outta here today
Anything but ordinary- Avril Lavigne
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Avril Lavigne rox ttm. So gonna get her latest album in CD. Her voice is really powerful. Able to breakthrough my heart haha^^ Like now i kinda dunnid to lose myself le. Kinda let go le no longer im lost but im found. I lost the word confident be4. Eyes r open again, reopening my lake le.
3 musketeers in camp haha fun ttm. Pauline, Leo and me haha^^ Super destine sia we 3 r. We 3 are Aries in horoscope zodiac is meh meh birthdays different by few days only haha^^ We did alot of stupid things tgt and pauline become my JieJie^^
She is freaking cool in my opinion haha^^ almost as awesome as my mummy in schedule wise but better becos JieJie is musically talented. She can play cello but wat topped it is she learning bass guitar^^ Awesome ttm. She is really strong-willed too, first time I fail to psycho ppl not to go class>< Really strong will ttm even wif me and leo tag team still cannot change her mind to no go for her bass guitar class>< This 2 days really know a person from scratch to like quite close its truly amazing. It reopen my heart to ppl that actually ppl r not that bad and stil can be trusted. Not to mention she is very cute at times too haha^^
This camp the 3 of us did sth really stupid ttm. I dunno for the others but I have told the greatest life in my life to cover a gd deed but wrong act. We manage to smoke through but we strongly believe the 1 who got smoke already know we r lying jus dun wan catch only. Ever since sec 4 I didnt really use big lie to cover things already suddenly i have to do it im kinda nervous. Still manage to come up wif a story to smoke through consider not bad.
Overall camp is fun ttm haha^^ 3 of us knock out during workshop time today epic win. I realised I have alot of software in my com that i didnt use be4. We r suppose to create a photo montage. I know my com have the software but i never use be4 and best thing is my com have 3 software that can achieve the same goal. We manage to complete the montage and its a success. We really break sweat down there sia. Things really turns out fine and we end the camp wif 2 mini magnum icecream^^ My first time eating magnum icecream^^ its so nice^^
Sad to say first time I feel so breakaway from PC its like throughout the camp we only talk camp and nth else is like PC already break from me le. Somehow i dun have strong feelings tied to PC anymore as well. Looks like i have finally let go. 1 thing for sure I still enjoy sound^^ The true meaning of me doing sound is to let ppl happy. That exactly wat happen during ALC im so happy being DJ during the BBQ.
Tml going to skate wif shu han^^ I have gave up on my bike le. More like after that fall i have a certain fear for my bike that till now i haven ride it except to 1 of my bball match. I haven send my bike to maintainence yet probably thats y i dun really dare to ride it now for it is still functional but it doesnt feel rite when ride. There is no sense of security. I will ride my bike again once i have fixed it up. I really suck at skate tml really will be an embarrassing day for me. It is my first time skating wif ppl. Sure cui 1.
A cup of milk a day..
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
2:58 AM
I was stronger be4 i went rogue. Needless to say cos i have no trust but doubts and suspicion toward all things. I will not let anything come close or harm me at that time. I was protective yet solemn. Cold towards all things. With the great strength there is nth i cant do as long as i believe. For this i was named Iceman.
Ice is cold and smooth but hard, dry and clear. The coldness represent the steel face of justice and the hardness represent the strength of unwaver believe. Dryness bites things who touches it. Clarity and smoothness represents the elegance and ability.
Trust is a shitty thing. For ppl will not know how shit it was until they r told of it. Now i know how much does the term Brother weighs. It is weightless for Christ sake it is truly weightless. After knowing what ppl do behind my back only thing i could do is laugh it off my stupidity to trust them in the first place. Well to get betrayed once in the betrayers fault but to get betray twice its my fault. My fault for being too nice to be betrayed my fault to be used easily. With this all trust is broken.
Here comes a story about a stupid person.
The heart was solid Ice and untouchable for a very long time until by chance some1 came along and melt it. From then on there is a lost of ability and things change from then on.
That some1 is like the perfect sun that my life can get. But when some1 fly too close to the sun the wings get burn. The fall begins. Landed on a gd planet with everything required in life there.
Its was good living there at first until I caught view of the perfect sun again. With much desire and few tots wanting to venture to the fascinating sun 1 more time leaving the perfect planet at lounge. The planet was devastated and soon built a layer barrier to prevent unnecessary hurts.
The heart reaches to the sun only to know and jus to know how fascinating it was has realise wat he dream to see has ended. Its was merely a spectacular sight but nth else. Even though the desire for the sun is still there but the heart realise of how well provided the planet is.
On his return to the planet, it shuts itself from the heart already and no matter how hard the heart try to breakthrough it fails. For now the heart is revolving arnd the planet in hope to return to it 1 day. But as the time goes by without much resource keep it warm and in well condition its turning colder and colder by day as it revolves in a cold solemn galaxy. Be4 any1 notice it shall be bac as solid ice again.
The end
I am the stupid person. And now Im turning into solid Ice. Reliving the moments of solemn where the story is ever being told. Let the coldness pull me through this.
A cup of milk a day..
Sunday, April 3, 2011
11:20 PM
Fear certainly has overwhelmed me today. All I can say is God work in a truly amazing way. I used 3 days and screwed up my life big time and he used 3 hrs to get me bac into place.
I feel like Im at the most outer ring of a flock of sheep, can easily wander away from the flock cos there is freedom of space. And wat happen was that the shepherd or the shepherd dog came chasing at me to get bac into the flock so that i dun get lost. Im really thankful of the shepherd for that.
My life focus went astray from sth 3 days ago I shifted my focus into 1 person and drown in it. Making myself revolving about that 1 person has gotten me to doubt myself i become who i not really am.
I love this house of God that im in now. Apart from the presence of God here that i enjoy, i felt that God is always watching over me my every step in here. He is not sparing but strict. So far whenever i go astray he never fails to slap me hard. Though its harsh but always after while pondering and knowing the purpose im actually better than be4.
The fear of the Lord never fails to strikes me. He is putting control in my life for i have been too wild be4. I admit i went to church half-hearted today not intending to listen to the sermon cos in my mind is all only about her and wat i can do to get her bac. Pretty much distracted in life. He works wonders I was greeted by an elder at the door today and he asked about my hand as he remember that i was injured last week. For that granted me the first smile in days as i told him im fine and recovering well. He is another person i admired in the church. He is a very people hearted and nice and gentle man. Even his tone is gentle but with concern and weight. True man in my sight is a man with total self control and he is 1. He really work the magic of making me smile even in times where dark clouds covers my whole sky. This is true care and now i have experienced it at least once myself.
Bac to the fear of the Lord topic. Well even when times where I dun wan to listen to the sermon God certainly has a way to drill it into me>< I never fail to read the bible daily ever since the day i went bac church but i stopped for the past few days. Totally break connection wif Him. Guess he has no chance to slap me with his word until today huh. But he really slaps me hard. Pastor preached on the wrath of God today. In all my earthly uncertainty and fears of not getting her bac, he threw the greatest fear into me. God is indeed a jealous God, well i have diverted my attention away from Him. He slam me hard to turn my attention bac to him. How he drilled the sermon into me is simple for the same verse of wrath is repeated many times in the bible today. Isaiah 5:25 9:12,21 10:4 Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away his hand is still upraised. Overwhelmed by fear after the sermon.
Didnt go for adult fellowship cos too overwhelm, I began to head for my way hm. On the way I felt like i my heart got ripped to shreds by the fears. From there I collected myself bac and a revelation come to me. No fear is greater than the fear of the Lord and I am too obsessed and clouded by things be4 to even see myself. Now after everything is destroyed im able to see myself again i know that my reach to her is now blindly revolve arnd her. Now what i need is to take total control of myself as long as i dun lose myself i have the chance. I believe now that I will still do my best to get her bac but at the same time guard the purpose of it well so that i will not lose myself again.
Pray that God will bless tml outing that everything will turn out well or even better.
A cup of milk a day..
Saturday, April 2, 2011
12:27 AM
Emotions has been like stock market. Ups and down non stop. Overwhelm by uncertainty. All I wan and ever wan now is u nth more nth less. Call me crazy but its true. Hope isnt enuf for me now. I wan more certainty. I cant wait for time to pass faster to that i can do more things to increase the percentage of certainty. Im afraid of losing that is for sure. Though its the first time im doin this, im ready to give all out. The most shittiest thing is becos of the deeds past i have drill this in to become the highest level at my first attempt.
Screw myself for it but I wont give up. This is going 1 of the most toughest thing i hold in my life that i will not let go even if i die. I vow to do everything i can no matter wat. Its a vow im goin to keep even if i have to crash and burn to nth is left.
What i this that im willing to go all crazy. All i know is im in deep state of being haywire now. All my logic and priority is screwed big time. Things i held on tight be4 has no value to me now. I have lost my pride what is left is only sheer passion that is allowed to continue grinding. There is only 1 purpose in my life now. That is all i care now. All i wan is things will go bac jus like how it used to be in the past except that i will be better this time.
