When the world came crashing down. Overwhelmed. No1 is there for me, no1 i can think of. Left alone. Nth in this world can contain me.
For the past weeks, since the start of musical props making im already not gd in condition. For weeks a broken me have to support a bunch of ppl who r dependent on me. guess this is wat is call responsibility. Days goes by i become more broken and more numb. I become very vulnerable.
So vulnerable till i lost my guard. I lost myself. My believe swayed, and i think the feeling in the musical is jus a moment of weakness. Overwhelmed by work and emotion i keep on hiding and continue walking. No matter how broken how slow how reluctant i feel i still need to drag myself to walk forward.
I feel like running away but its pointless cos things catch up to me pretty fast. Be4 i know it im surrounded by work and stress. I got haunt nites after nites by things. Im tired wonder if anybody see it.
Like how messy this post is so is me now. Shit still continue to happen in my life. Tight deadlines, problems unsolved, emotions. Looking bac my life once again and i realised this is nth different from 3+ years ago. Im bac to square 1. With no ppl to count on i need to stand by own against the storm.
Be it i worth it anot im not asking for ppl to understand me anymore. I give up on that thought ppl r mainly selfish thats an undeniable fact. They care bout self more than others. I shall run alone, once again its jus between me and the sky.
I only wan to find a peaceful place to dwell for the moment till im healed. Somehow i know the perfect place to be but dunno y im holding bac.
A cup of milk a day..
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
10:31 PM
Mood today = Just so you know + A little too not over you + Boulevard of broken dream.
Well that equation applies to first half of the day. Be4 work to be exact. How the equation come about well its by my Ipod touch. Those 3 song plays 1 after another in shuffle mode come on wat r the chances.
Well found my work place for the day met the client the instant i enter the place. While waiting for auditorium to open, had a cup of coffee and a sandwich at the cafeteria. They serve coffee without milk >< need to get milk from them ><
Finally the auditorium opened i had the shock of my life when i see the stage its so freaking small even smaller than Audi 2 stage in sch. But the moment i enter control rm i stun, The equipment is so bloody gd its a total misfit for the stage lah ttm sia. Average Yamaha digital sound board, 8 Sennheiser mics, full lighting component e.g breaker, for video is 6x lcd tv screen and a pretty gd video mixer. In short they damn got budget>< There is a AV guy there. Have really nice chat wif him sia it like work 2 hrs there noe the history of my work site^^ Looks like im really blending into this line of work really well^^
The highlight of today is I met a super duper cool gal. Cool to the max. I shall start wif how i met her haha^^ Before the show actually start jus after my sound check some1 came into the control rm well dunnid guess cos its her haha. I was doin sound mix then i hear a girl voice i stun then i turn she is talking to the AV guy i mention previously. Well im not judging but its like wat r the chances u see a girl in control rm in outside production. Anw i can oso sense that she is not like worker in the place come down and see see. She give the aura that she an AV tech crew. It so capture me.
When the show start everything become auto-pilot mode so the 3 of us in control rm talking. Get to know her more she jus finished her diploma and waiting for sch starting next march then found this slack job as AV tech at this place. Furthermore y she is cool becos her field of study is studio production^^ Its cool to the max. Best is that she is well verse in sound aspect haha we 2 at there bitching bout their stage xP cos its really too small xP Then as i comment bout the budget of the equipment they have she can list out everything and wat area is it not use to the full extent and wat the stage is lacking haha^^ Damn freaking cool i never had such gd talk wif a girl on tech detail until this shuang aside from Sound Ministry IC. Honestly the stage is really freaking small that at most i can only fit 6 dancers after removing the rostrum thats all.
I like 2 parts of the conversation its like so typical AV tech ppl haha^^ as im seeing their light schematic and yah u never read wrong its really schematic they even show me the blueprint of the auditorium's wiring^^ OHOHOH the contractor they employ to wire and patch for them is buang the patching anyhow de. Its functional but is not the rite way to patch. 1 example monitor in control rm is patch to 1 of the AUX >< nvm bac to the favorite part of the convo bac to the light haha cos they have 2 moving lights then its like she say never use de and oso the organiser wont request oso cos ppl wont know that its moving light im like yah rite so typical of us to say that. Uncle Rafi always say oso they dunno then dun care lesser thing to do oso haha^^ Their light board buang oso cos according to the schmatic its like only stage light usable the moving light cant use oso haha^^
Then another is about the projector screen as we r still revolving on the stage small topic. So i got curious if the projector screen behind the bac curtain. Well the answer i get is no then i stun again means is like 1 foot into the stage when its roll down by the system again make the stage even smaller. I casually comment that if the screen is down 1/3 of the stage gone le, first reaction i got 'no lah then hor actually about there oso haha' Dunno y but im jus amaze by it seriously from a girl who run production thats like so freaking rare to be well verse in stage sense and tech details. Alot other things we all talk about oso be it monitor or wat else the convo keep flowing. Little detail counts haha^^
Maybe its jus me ba i felt gd to talk to ppl on equal level. It feels like i match up to them^^ its like ppl who share the same interest and skill share their thoughts is always better than 1 sided convo which links to nowhere. Felt extremely happy when i can talk this much on technical stuff with some1 that who knows alot. Usually i talk to ppl who noe tonnes and tonnes more than me then become i learn and i talk to ppl who dunno anything then i teach them seldom ppl who know as much as me that can talk wif agreement.
To clarify to whomever the reader to this post is i didnt fall for the girl or anything its jus pure awesomeness and jus that she is the awesome 1.
A cup of milk a day..
Saturday, November 20, 2010
2:10 AM
Finally the 6 week marathon have come to an end, I have finally release myself from the work stress and limit and willpower i set for myself. only to realise im am jus a very tired empty vessel with nth to turn to.
Sth new in my life i guess is jus that 1 thing everybody knows lor, dun think its new oso le. Seriously im losing confident in this war. I really dunno wat to say or wat to do. Its the first time im actually trying to go for it.
Previously i didnt have that courage to take action only grumbling behind and being emo and sad and regret bout the past and blaming on the betrayal. This time for real for this 1 particular time i actually wan to go for it even though im scare. Im very SCARE. It been very long since i feel fear in me. However there is a power of love revolving.
For once actually missing some1 make me feel that the next meeting will be even valuable. I can read 3 hrs straight without falling asleep as that book has become my motivation. I began to change once again. Think its bout time that i evolve by applying wat i learn in the book. All that has been told has worked.
Im really tired now >< gonna catch some good rest will post new updates soon. All i can say is at the start of the gamble i have already showhand is either i win all or lose all. There is no turning bac.
A cup of milk a day..
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
1:20 PM
Well a long event has ended and every1 is in the withdrawal of it well im no exception either. It feels to me the it didnt end wif a bang or rather it didnt end at all. In all our heart theres still a big part that remain in audi every1 cant bear to leave the place wif beautiful memories.
Thick and thins we have all been through from hi and bye to goofing and joking arnd each other^^ Building things from scratch, enjoyed meals tgt, say stupid thing, self-pwning, Creative ideas, solutions, gafa tape and cable ties. There is really a great team here^^
Im touched and sad at the same time. All these times in PC im never fail to be amaze by how awesome the crew is, they may make mistake but they learn it all. All the more wif this wonderful team here im sad that i actually have to leave in 5 months time. Leaving the place where precious memories is being built on.
To say that i didnt not live my past 3 years well, i bac to defer i have amazing time arnd u guys. Though i prefer do things pretty much alone but i enjoyed every1's company.
Y cant these times last forever in reality but only remains in the thoughts of memories. All i wan to do now is to do my last major show wif a bang.
A cup of milk a day..
Friday, November 12, 2010
1:20 AM
Im freaking sad today. Blows after blows i have suffer injury in my heart. Mistake that i can spare myself from. Dun even know whats wrong wif me to make that fatal mistake.
Am i going to run alone now? pretty much yes. I have impt things to run without a support that i can even rely on. Buried down in the sorrowful heart only yearn to be heard by a fitting soul. I associate with pain.
Im tired im very tired but that is not an excuse. That is a limit i have to break no matter wat. I swear.
All i can say now is im not superman but the best is i can try to me 1. To live up the standard im suppose to be.
A cup of milk a day..
Saturday, November 6, 2010
1:08 AM
First time in weeks i have sufficient sleep. Long time no update. Nth impt to update oso. Burnt 2 weeks making props. Burnt 2 weeks in rehersals. Gonna burn another 1 week on actual show. TP musical is such a big event. Gd enuf to distract me from things but burning me out.
Today is the first day i have break. Few things in mind, first im alone, second im empty and thrid im no difference. No1 to turn to. Total solitude.
People come people go, me being passer by in ppl's life. Wonder if there is really a forever in me. Heartache from time to time in solitude. Is there a some1 out there that is made for me. I shall continue to walk alone.
Sch jus started but im already lagging behind as usual. 2 weeks in total. 1 miracle that happen is that my proj is save and still progressing well. My ass is save by 1 of the grp mate. In this time of busy period i saw a glow a different form of care. My grp mate kept my work in check. Things i put to the back of my head has been taken care off. Really have to tank the person who did it.
Gonna get my ipod touch soon. Bout 200 more with 100 work income coming on tues. Its goin to be hardcore saving for the last stretch.
FTT coming wed not prepared at all. tml first 2 e-trial hope i will be able to pass
the whole test.
Future is uncertain but i yearn for an adventure to spice this life up. Im not content wif things that is unable to utilise my full potential. I wan a challenge that is big and risky and to be pull off by skills not luck. All that im wishing for now.
